Forgivenss is a difficult emotion to process, because we're both tied down by so much hurt and expectations that we can't lift off and go to where we wanted in this relationship. One can learn many unkindness, criticism, and cruelty from one another because of abuse, violence, and overbearing stresses from other people and family members. The pain was too much to bear that we are unable to move forward to learn to love one another and ourselves for all our faults. Childhood hurts maybe to blame for the difficult emotions that refused to be processed and healed because it was left unaddressed, festered inside the person's psyche. Ugly scars of old wounds reopen to bleed faded memories and psychedelic trauma from previous toxic relationships and all of that pain and memories resurfaced when needs goes unmet, unvoiced, and not one of the partner is communicating due to pride and ego over and over again.
I tried to force myself away from him, thinking how controlling and abusive he is with his yelling, screaming, and perchance to violence and find my own space. I thought about never coming back to him, fearing he won't change for the better. He needed his space when I become overbearing, smothering, and demanding. He never listened to me when I'm speaking, and when I'm tired and ill from work, he backed away and hide to withdraw in his shell. It's surprising to me that he tends to be passive when the crisis arised, leaving me to control the situation at hand by myself without his help.
I was thinking to find a better mate for my needs. A mate that can match my ideals of what a perfect relationship should be and how I can make it work. A mate that is molded and shaped for my fantasy.
But fantasy dies harder than reality. When one lives in the real world with another person, it is all the more challenging, especially when that person is the one you love. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to see him clean up and change just for me and just to make this relationship work. I wanted to meet him, see him, hear him, and hold him. I wanted him to fit the big puzzle that is me and see if we fit.
I find it hard to learn to love another especially when it hits me that I don't know him that well. I don't know what he does for a living, and what his family is like. I don't know what his values are, and I don't know his beliefs, his likes, and the hell that he went through to become the Beast of the man that he is today. He can never go back to what he once was, and his past is past, it has to die, if he wanted to be reborn and live agian.
Forgiveness and nurturing it with love and learning to listen to one another is a difficult act of unconditional love and kindness. Sometimes, this very gift is what is missing in most relationships.