Roses, Chaos, and Death
18 December 2011 @ 03:19 am
So I had my own idea of wanting to create my own ideal and version of my favorite OTP Alucard and Integra of Hellsing in an AU fantasy setting of my own creation that doesn't play by canon rules. I had been roleplaying on this OTP on and off for the past year. What is really fun with this couple is that it is dynamic, sexually and romantically charge, and very fun when it was done right. One of the most difficult things is playing a violent Alucard. Being an empath, I'm quite allergic and sensitive to violent scenes or at least, I'm developing a high sensitivity to it. Ever since I been through so many changes and transformation in my life, my writing shifted and changed too.

For my original fantasy setting, I wanted to change Integra's name to Elizabeth or Victoria. Very English-y names, but then again, just for kicks, maybe I stick to Integra and just label it as AU. What I wanted to change a bit of their powers and personality and the world around them.

So, that is all the time I have for writing this idea down.
Roses, Chaos, and Death
12 March 2011 @ 04:31 am
lover100 : #5: Discovery  

I'm still wandering in the land of my pain and nightmares. My nightmares is a barren wasteland of sand, deserts, cactuses, sunsets, sunrises, rolling tumbleweeds, and starry nights. Here, in this wasteland, I thirst and ache for the blessings of rain. In this land, I'm searching for myself when I couldn't find you. You were gone, going on your own journey to find yourself.

I learned that despite all the chaos and mess that both Mother Nature and Human Nature throws at us, I still found a single rose and that rose is you.

For all of your red petals and thorns, I learned that tolerating you and your ways for so long, I made the most shocking discovery.

You are very beautiful. You are the epitome of beauty that is within my eyes. I hope you know this as my feet make trails in the sand across the desert, only to have them dissappear by the whispering winds and the tumultaneous sandstorms. When the cactuses and dunes are whispering into the winds, they were carrying the song of the desert and it's animals, and the starry skies are silent after the sun has risen, leaving everything to a silent cool of twilight.

And with the desert winds, I discovered, that they carry my thoughts of you, when I was thinking about you under the starry sky and the moon, when I finally realized and had an aha moment concerning our dilllema that I...

With all of my respect, humility, and passion. I declared to the Heavens and Stars above as the Cosmos swirled around in their curious eternity that I still and will always be in love with you. You are my desert rose, eternal, and even through the harsh, weathered path where life beats you down, you are still beautiful.

And that is the most important discovery that I made in my lifetime. Nothing else matters except that you are beautiful and I carry you everywhere in my heart for all of this time.
Roses, Chaos, and Death
12 March 2011 @ 04:05 am
lover100 : #4 Regret  

There were many things I regret. I regret yelling at him when it was unjustified. I regret not being sympathetic and empathetic enough to learn about his pain. I regret not listening to him, even though I tried my best to be the girl that he is dreaming off. I regret having too much pride. I regret putting too much unrealistic expectations because of the way my mother raised.

All of that time, I wonder if I should lowered my and learn humility in his presence? All of that time, I'm determined not to be the girl that my mother raised me to be, and instead trying to learn to be myself and reinvent my identity to the way I wanted to be. I want to be into a personality that I made for myself that makes me happy and doesn't make me stuffed my anger inside. I want to raise myself into the girl I wanted to be.

I regret being angry at him when he was innocent and he didn't do anything wrong. I didn't sit down and listen to his side of the story. I regret stuffing my anger and dissapointment at the pain of my life and release it to the wind.

I regret not loving him enough because in my soul, I'm desperately in love with him.

My biggest regret is not loving myself more to be the person he can love with, the person that can transform him and changed him into a better person who would fight harder for our love, but he can't. He's the type that can't stand my mother and would stand back, leaving me defenseless, leaving me to stand up for myself.

My biggest regret that I expect him to take charge and be a leader, but he turns out, that even the toughest warrior can't fight in battles that he can't. I can't force him to fight my own battles and neither I can fight his. But I can support him. I can love him. I can hug him and tell him I believe he can win for himself and for me...I believe I'm free to do that.

I wanted to tell the Universe that I truly love this man, but I don't have enough belief in my heart and soul that we'll be together.

Therefore, my biggest regret is my fear, my lack of confidence, and vulnerability. And what hurts me is that I love this man, but I fear it's not enough to make the transformation we need to make a new life for ourselves.

I regret not having strength for myself, if not for me, but for him.
Roses, Chaos, and Death
12 March 2011 @ 03:12 am
lover100 : #3 Forgiveness  
#3. Forgiveness.

Forgivenss is a difficult emotion to process, because we're both tied down by so much hurt and expectations that we can't lift off and go to where we wanted in this relationship. One can learn many unkindness, criticism, and cruelty from one another because of abuse, violence, and overbearing stresses from other people and family members. The pain was too much to bear that we are unable to move forward to learn to love one another and ourselves for all our faults. Childhood hurts maybe to blame for the difficult emotions that refused to be processed and healed because it was left unaddressed, festered inside the person's psyche. Ugly scars of old wounds reopen to bleed faded memories and psychedelic trauma from previous toxic relationships and all of that pain and memories resurfaced when needs goes unmet, unvoiced, and not one of the partner is communicating due to pride and ego over and over again.

I tried to force myself away from him, thinking how controlling and abusive he is with his yelling, screaming, and perchance to violence and find my own space. I thought about never coming back to him, fearing he won't change for the better. He needed his space when I become overbearing, smothering, and demanding. He never listened to me when I'm speaking, and when I'm tired and ill from work, he backed away and hide to withdraw in his shell. It's surprising to me that he tends to be passive when the crisis arised, leaving me to control the situation at hand by myself without his help.

I was thinking to find a better mate for my needs. A mate that can match my ideals of what a perfect relationship should be and how I can make it work. A mate that is molded and shaped for my fantasy.

But fantasy dies harder than reality. When one lives in the real world with another person, it is all the more challenging, especially when that person is the one you love. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to see him clean up and change just for me and just to make this relationship work. I wanted to meet him, see him, hear him, and hold him. I wanted him to fit the big puzzle that is me and see if we fit.

I find it hard to learn to love another especially when it hits me that I don't know him that well. I don't know what he does for a living, and what his family is like. I don't know what his values are, and I don't know his beliefs, his likes, and the hell that he went through to become the Beast of the man that he is today. He can never go back to what he once was, and his past is past, it has to die, if he wanted to be reborn and live agian.

Forgiveness and nurturing it with love and learning to listen to one another is a difficult act of unconditional love and kindness. Sometimes, this very gift is what is missing in most relationships.
Roses, Chaos, and Death
11 March 2011 @ 01:45 am
lover100 : #2 Beauty  
#2 Beauty

"Look into my eyes." He said. He's not harsh, but his tone suggested that he's quite demanding in his desire. He pinned me down with his hands around my wrists above my head. His eyes are crazed, paranoid, and worried. His eyes said I needed you more than anyone else, and it's only you that I want. The rest are trash, but you are my treasure. His eyes can say a thousand words that his soul wanted to say, but it can boiled down into a few words of: "I want you tonight."

I suspected he wanted my attention again. I am always ready to surrender and be vulnerable to his power when he's in that mood, always on my guard because he can be dangerous even though I know he doesn't have it in him to hurt me. I looked at him, summoning the energy to show my earnest concern as I look directly into his beautiful eyes.

They looked haunted. Haunted by who, I wonder?

"Yes?" I whispered lightly, with a loving gentleness in my voice, offering to service him to tame his inner beast.

"I love you." He said. "More than you can imagine." And in almost in a crazed way, he heatedly kissed my neck as he held my wrist tighter. I can feel it and almost smell his fear gripping in his heart. He doesn't want me to leave. In his fear, he hold me prisoner, holding me tight so I wouldn't run away. He wants to keep me even if I get mad at him.

I gasped softly in response. I have to speak up that he's hurting me. "I know." I said. "But can you...?"

He slowed down as his passion is slowly rising and I can feel his hardness between my legs. "Yes?"

"Relax a little? My wrists...I need circulation, you know?" I smiled, trying to put humor into everything.

"Oh, yes..." He felt embarressed and relaxed a little. "I'm sorry."

"That's better." I leaned over and nuzzled him on his cheek. "Baby, you're beautiful too. I love you."

The expression on his face is pricelss as he relaxed and finally smiled. Maybe the love of Beauty can tame the Beast that haunted inside of him if they look into each other eyes and take a moment to look deep into each other's soul and compliment each other's beauty more.
Roses, Chaos, and Death
11 March 2011 @ 01:32 am
lover100 : #1 Romance  
#1 Romance

Where to begin a great romance story? With a great romance, it begins with two people who started off their journey as one person who experienced Life's pain, sorrow, and joys. There also parts about being alone, tired, and bored of the mundane world. Every soul has their ideas of how their romance should be, but not everyone's story will be the same.

To me, romance is everything. It is in my blood, my body, my soul to pursue love and lust. It's in my blood, my drug, and it's not only physical, but completely mental and spiritual that transends time and space. I want to dance the dance, to feel the fire, the muse that within me and within him. Love puts me into a drug-like trance where I can see everything that happens within the cosmos.

My idea of romance is to hold him into my arms, lick and tast his skin on his throat, gaze into his eyes hungrily, and kiss him with every fiber of my being so that I can capture his essense into my mind and paint our love, our tradegy, and our legacy down into the white canvas.

I don't want anybody to read my tale. I just wanted to write so I can remember and don't forget how I am passionately in love with him with my heart and soul.

The story of lovers puts me on such a high, just watching other lovers puts me high too, and I want it all with only him. It makes my skin shiver and my blood rise and I feel the bliss.

And that's my idea of a romance. I want love and lust in it's primal form.
Roses, Chaos, and Death
11 March 2011 @ 01:21 am
lover100 : Table B  
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Roses, Chaos, and Death
11 March 2011 @ 01:17 am
I have a bunch of ideas I wanted to write and play with, even though my vacation is for a short while and I need to get on the move again to finally finished college.

But the thing is, I wanted my own site to host my stories, my writings, my thoughts, but that cost money. Plus, any good fiction needs to be rewritten over and over again because a person can go through many experiences in one lifetime, but the fiction can always stay forever. I always have this idea of using my blog as my dump it all fiction, and then when it's all good and ready, I'll make a master version of the copy and post it in another place or piece together to make a huge quilt of a story.

I haven't written here for such a long time. I still love this journal, and I have no intention of leaving it. Maybe the gap in time shows what growth I've been through and because of the experieces I had so far, it helps my writing get a sense of maturity. This place is like my own sandbox, my own childhood, my own memories, where ideas from my consciousness grows into one place. This place has been safe haven of love, lust, and fantasy of the imaginative kind where I am true to my ideas.

Maybe it's time that I come to dip into fantasy once more. Revisited my old familiar characters in a brand new light and perspective that I haven't see before. Introduced new characters to old structures to make into something new.

And yaddi yadda, self, just shut-up and write because your spirit lover is stupid and because of the pain of his selfishmess did to you, he inspired you to write stuff.
Roses, Chaos, and Death
10 June 2010 @ 04:46 pm
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